i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
