Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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