you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
