kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
