The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
