I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
