Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
