he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
