my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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