Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
