in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
