If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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