I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
