I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
