i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
