Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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