I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
