Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
