I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
