i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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