seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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