I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
