this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
