Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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