Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
