This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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