I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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