I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
