i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
