Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
