can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
