I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
