Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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