I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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