McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
