I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
