passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
