My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
