So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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