someone threw a dead crab at me
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I wear drunk well.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
