Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
im on a boat
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