my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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