Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
