Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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