I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
