Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
