I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
