i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
