he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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