and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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